Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
