She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
