I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
