Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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