Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
