8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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