So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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