I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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