The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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