I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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