Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
