I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
