I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
