I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
