my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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