dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
