i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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