booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
