sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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