Your face is a jimmy john
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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