Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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