This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
