Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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