it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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