Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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