I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
