I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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