Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
