We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
