I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
