You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
