And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
