well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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