I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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