I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
