i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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