She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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