the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
