Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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