Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
