John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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