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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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