I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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