my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
