So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I look better un-naked...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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