Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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