woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
