I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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