I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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