I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
