Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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