im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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